How To Drive In Bangkok
Bangkok is a bustling metropolis which sprawls over both sides
of the Chao Phrya River. To be alive in Bangkok is to one day
possess the strange ambition to drive its streets and sois.
One day, when a person is about the size of Danny DeVito, he/she
will get this urge to open up the engine of a large car and speed
the five feet or so before being abruptly stopped by yet another
legendary Bangkok Traffic Jam.
A person should not mind the traffic jams. Bangkok's choked
roads are the stuff of which exciting letters-to-home are made.
And think how much admiration you get in Boston where a seven-minute
delay on Winston Street is considered gridlock: your friends would
all be complaining, but you'd be sitting in the passenger seat
smiling in rapture. When your friends say, "OH THIS IS SO
EXASPERATING!" you can scoff at their contorted faces and
coolly say, "Oh, this? You think this is traffic? Let me
tell you about traffic," and proceed to recount your Driving
Adventures in Bangkok. You will be admired as The Person We Know
Personally Who Survived Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner in a Car
on Asoke.
These are only two fabulous reasons why you need to know
the methods by which you can fully appreciate and enjoy Bangkok
driving.
The Driving Test
Before embarking on your driving adventures, make sure you get
a Thai driver's license. This small, plastic-coated ID can be
procured at any of the license offices. The one most frequented
is the one near the Weekend Market, Jatuchak. When you go to
get your license, be early and bring two passport-size photos,
your passport, and a couple light cotton bags. Jatuchak opens
at 4.30 a.m., and if you are the first customer, the shopkeeper
gives you up to 50 percent discount. Check out the candlesticks,
the tie-dyed shirts, the houseplants section, and the Labrador
retriever puppies in the eastern wing of the market.
The Test itself is easy. You get in the car and start the engine.
You have to drive until you come to a sign to turn right, but
it is very easy because the road doesn't have a left turn; it
only turns right because if you turn left, you will ram straight
into a wall. Even if you have the IQ of a watermelon and do not
recognize the Turn Right Sign, you will surely know when to turn
right.
Then you arrive at a railroad crossing, where you are
supposed to stop to let the train pass. Of course, there is no
train. You have to imagine it. Just think of Tom Cruise hanging
onto a rushing train somewhere in continental Europe*; think
of how his face looked like. Then multiply its ugliness by the
square of 5,482 and you'll get the total damage done to your face
if you don't stop for a train.
After the railroad crossing, you have to drive through a narrow
soi between two crooked trees. This is essential to do
successfully, especially if you plan to drive in Sukhumvit
Road's winding snakes of sois. In case you haven't yet noticed,
when you drive in the Sukhumvit sois, you experience being inches
from the side of the next car so that you can see into the tinted
glass and watch the driver expertly driving and picking his nose
at the same time. On Sukhumvit, it is also sometimes necessaary
to turn two lanes into four lanes; if you can drive very near
other cars and avoid scratching anyone's elbows, you will be a
Good Bangkok Driver.
The last part of the Driving Test is parking. For many, this
is a bowl of khao tom ; it's easy. You put the car into
reverse and back into a space between two large orange witches'
hats. It is easily done, but watch when you do this in a real
Bangkok place. Before you back the car, always check for sleeping
soi dogs. They are everywhere.
Now, For The Real Thing
Let me tell you a secret: traffic jams aside, Bangkok driving
can be a real fun activity. Take for instance The Morning Drive
On a Weekday. If you take Ramindra Road, a long road which goes
from near the airport to the next town, Chachoengsao, you will
learn many fascinating tricks of Fun Driving. Here's an example.
When you are on the fast lane and you're only going twenty kilometers
past the speed limit, pick-up trucks and school vans behind you
will flash their high beams at you and threaten to smash into
your rear. You have two options: you can sidle into the next
lane and let the pick-up/van through as they hurtle to their deaths.
Or, you can Spice Up Your Life, change lanes, let the other vehicle
through, and quickly change lanes again so you are now behind
the pick-up/van with the moron behind its wheel. You will hurtle
just as fast as they are. Flash your lights. Do it to the beat
of your favorite Mariah Carey song*. Soon the pick-up/van driver
will realize that you too are a True Bangkok Driver and will stop
picking on you.
If you are going to Sukhumvit on the Expressway early in the
morning, say at 6.00, bring a basket full of fried chicken, peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches, and a thermos of hot coffee or tea.
Once you are on the Expressway, traffic will come to a full stop
until 10.00 a.m. You may park your car like the rest and enjoy
a picnic while you watch the sun rise, higher and hotter. you
can also call your employer and say you'll be late, as usual,
and maybe you will find that your employer is also enjoying a
sandwich and capuccino three cars behind you, and you can both
get out of your cars and engage in a lively conversation about
Chavalit's rumored intelligence.
As you can see, driving in Bangkok is easy and fun. It opens
a whole new world for you. So join the hundreds of thousands
of Bangkok Drivers in a world of adventure, bursts of speed, and
long, lovely afternoons lingering in the leather-and-steel-encased
comfort of your car.
Notes for the Uninitiated:
1. Asoke is a 3-4 kilometer long downtown street
2. a soi is a small lane
3. Sukhumvit Road is a major downtown street
4. Tom Cruise scene from Mission Impossible
5. khao tom is rice porridge which Thais eat with pickled vegetables, etc.
6. Chavalit was Prime Moron, er, prime Minister when the country went into economic troubles